LOL suddenly had the mood hit me to say something, then once on I saw that basically what I thought to say was already posted! “I am a Christian”. With the use of beliefs in the political campaigns so strongly used. Something that is purely personal and is of faith which is totally personal. You are saved not because you go to church every Sunday, nor by wearing a Cross about your neck. It is not about having a Bible or even several within grasp.

It is accepting the Christ as your personal savor, even if you had never picked up a Bible you could still do that. For that matter it is not about how you would vote or whom you would vote for. If you want to get technical, I know quite a few “Progressives “ Whom have more “Christian Love “ in their hearts then some of the most Bible quoting and thumping “holier-then-thou” I have met or seen on TV. It is about how YOU live your life. It is whom you believe is your Savor.. Not about what someone else believes or whom they love or even sleep with.

I am a Republican, sadly I have a real hard choice when it comes to whom I could support.


The battle someone has when there has been such a blow to the mental processes and when their very sanity was in such question! It is not enough that the world itself seems to be spinning at such a rate!

It is not enough that you have already been chasing madly the White Rabbits and dodging the playing card troops. Your day is already consumed with trying to stay out of the way of the Queen of Hearts so you do not end up with your head being cut off.

Though sounding outlandish then to have something as simple as taking one’s meds when and at the right time is such a insult to the whole endeavors! It certainly can give the feeling that you are not capable of any control. That there is nothing within your ability or control and you are fighting a battle that is un-winnable. There can be no wins or even breaking even with such a powerful enemy as fate or cosmic entity for which you are nothing but a play toy! So stop…. Do not give in to the outlandish and illogic explanations!

When you stop to think of the possible outcomes and where each explanation could lead. Better to lose the fight then to stand firm and defend to the point of being in some intuition for mental illnesses.

No I had had quite enough of that and with Nero restorative being closed it would be the Kansas State mental hospital! And going from Alice’s wonderland to Dona’s inferno no I do not think so and better to just let that sleeping dog lie.

I am home and that is where I should be, I am capable of working out most of my own mental processes to the point of being within limits of functioning. It would be OK if Jimmy Stewart and I are the only one able to see that large white rabbit named Harvey. Jimmy, Harvey nor I are going to hurt anyone. Perhaps we three will have some stimulating conversations and be quite good company for the other two! BTW yes I am being humorous and no there are no large white rabbits in this room or anywhere I am seeing them! I know in a real sense being me and my sense of humor with trying to be so cute may come off as some mental illness. I am nuts but it is a good kind of nuts and just the kind that is fun to be around. Plus to not stop and laugh about it I may end up with me needing some mental health help!

I am vowing to “endeavor to persevere then declaring wars on the white man!” (Chief Dan George, “Outlaw Jose Wales“). And so far, I and not the “White man” is winning I believe but “Oh My God” if what I am seeing is the normal thought processes. I wonder if it would not be better to be the insane? Perhaps I should stop watching so much Fox News huh? But to be honest I am not so sure that MSNBC is making all that much more sense. Perhaps it is that Politics is a mental illness in itself, or can cause a form of mental illness along with religion.

Judging from some I have seen on the TV and from the Pulpits, “Pride Goth before a fall”.

And I am see more pride then common sense in both the super Religious and the super Political.

Both taking more imagined belief and understanding then actually known facts to perceive was happens.

I think more sins have been committed in the name of either then have been corrected. Along with giving an opening for people to be used and abused when common sense is abandoned. The shining temple on the hill is to be you not the building where the songs are sung or the knee is bent. Nor is it the Capital hill, Both can be isolating and devoid of reality.

I am getting somewhat off course I think opening the mind and the spirit to flowing is endangering of being a flood of mud and wastewater. One has to be careful of what and where you may get thoughts as if not you can end up more a container similar to a toilet. That is something to remember when watching any of the political channels. Or listening to a preacher or other leader who claims they have the answers.

Never abandon your own ability to understand and reason even if by using it ends up feeling more lost and confused. In time things will come out clearer and more solid then by simply getting the answers from Someone claims to have all answers. As to God and religious belief, God will lead you in the right direction and you will find him and your beliefs when you and the times are right.

Of course the problem with that is that some people of God will not have the money they want to drive a big car or live in some mansion. Now they will tell you that it was God and not those people they have convinced that they are giving to God. That provided for them, I guess in a sense that is true since they used the name of God to get others to pay for the car and home.

God is not about money or cars and houses; the poorest person can have the blessings of God.

It just can happen by a good intended person giving the useful ability they have to that preacher instead of the person that God intended that the truly needed are not receiving it. But it can be that it is not God that is being served but it is the devil and a lesser could-be servant of the Devil. When some one is using God to successes in their attempt to deceive others it is not their God who is being served. Unless it is the Devil and not God whom they are serving?

Serving God can be more an instinct feeling for the follower, what is felt to be the will of God rather then knowing with certainty what is God’s will. God does not communicate with a billboard on the side of a Highway. Nor does he through a TV preacher, It comes more as a whisper in a loud room or a moment of silence in a darken bedroom. The voice of God does not shake the mountains as the Bible may give you. It does let itself be heard even with the loudest distractions. It just has to be you that are hearing it when he speaks to you!











As life continues and I go about the everyday things that having a life has in it at times feels like I am not actually living my life but rather just happening to fall into someone else’s occurrences. Like I have been dropped into someone else’s life and I just have to adapt or pick up with what ever is happening.

Things remembered or what should be there are not as remembered or totally absent as they were remembered? There is one that is still bothering me, the death of my mother-in-law someone that I truly loved as my own mother. That is so dislocating for me, the feeling of something that should still is there but I am not able to find. You know it is somewhere, you can not find the lost but no matter where you look it is not there and it should be!

It does not happen every minute, it is not like looking for a set of lost of keys that you can not help but look for every time you get close to a certain drawer. Or wherever those keys were kept, you continue with life and deal with what ever is happening. But in the moments when there is nothing else to keep the mind occupied. Suddenly there are those thoughts of where is that and the intense desire to start looking for them. I catch myself looking, feeling that if I just look here or there she will be there like the lost set of keys in the drawer.

Other things are also like that, distinct memory of things I have owned or have had in life. Something I still need or want, but that no matter how hard I am looking it is not there and there is the feeling of being at a lost to explain why? I can still feel them being they’re in my life and that causes me to want to look even hard for them. It would help to remember they are lost a resolution to that issue to help me move on.

To make it even worse, I can not truly discuss or even express those feeling with family since they have already dealt with that lost and to bring it up will only bring that pain and sorrow to the forefront for them again. I had mentioned it to the therapist I was sent to earlier and was told that was natural and something that would pass. I believe that is the case and yes it has stopped being such a preoccupation in my thoughts.

It still when it hits again hurts like it was just that moment and it takes sometimes almost an hour to get passed. There are other things that are not as traumatic, but are still like that for me the sudden feeling of surprise and dishearten feelings of how could I not remember? It is so important and deserves to be remembered. I feel such a sense of injustice at it that I at times want to scream to the winds in outrage. Wishing that the heart attack were some physical being that I could strike out at or inflict pain on. Fortunately that feeling never transfers to anyone or thing, it is generally taken with the understanding by me that it is one side effect of the shortage of blood flow to the brain.

It is understanding that allows for the best defense against these shortcomings and effects.

I will admit that some times there are those moments when that is not the most immediate thought.

Or the easiest thing to do since it is the emotions and not the thoughts that are felt the strongest or most foremost that comes to mind. It is understanding that allows for the best defense against these shortcomings and effects.

I will admit that some times there are those moments when that is not the most immediate thought.

Or the easiest thing to do since it is the emotions and not the thoughts that are felt the strongest or most foremost that comes to mind. Confusion can turn to anger within moment and makes matters worse. Then there is the added element of hurt feelings and sorrow since it is generally aimed at the one who is sticking by you at your worst.

It can become maddening as you remember how many times you have to say “I am sorry”.

In fact for the person who cares, that phrase can begin to mean less and having not the same importance. I often came to be concerned that would be the case and have the same meaning as not saying it at all. Saying it could mean more to the person who is the offender then to the one who has been wronged.

It Somewhat goes without saying that there is nothing easy or fair about having these medical and/or emotional problems. Not for the person suffering from them or those taking care of them. I think to make things worse there really is no one to blame or be mad at since it is an occurrences of fate as much as design. Though I have at times became mad at myself, since I had spent so much time not worried or thinking about the future or the possibility.


But Now I think of how many hotdogs I have eaten, it is my favorite food and something I would eat if no one else were making something to eat. Or if what was fixed was something I did not like, good old hotdogs was the answer. Sometimes reality occurs to you and other times if you survive then reality slaps you up beside your head and calls you a fool! When that happens it can be quite painful or it was for me both physically and mentally. While the physical seems to be easier to ease with some pill or potion the mental seems to want to hang on with its grasping into every fiber and sense of your being. It can be so hard to escape and even when you do it suddenly comes rushing back when you do not expect it.

You can be happy perhaps happier then you have felt in some time and then boom right between your eyes! Sometimes so painful that it brings up the question of whether it was worth the pain and struggle to overcome the illness or injury? Fresh still in your mind are the pains and happenings of the recovery. Suddenly the pain and suffering of both combines to make a new and sever anguish to endure added to by the continuing endeavors of recovery. You can remember the recovery and the attempt to recover when things were much easier and you were protected. The cost of that protection was that you were not apart of your life. Protection from life often means you do not have much of a life. Family does not let you in; friends do not allow you to be a full part of their lives. You are stranded in a stagnate pool not able to grow or participate.

The fact those strangers do not understand or for that matter want to try is something that you have little feelings for. But when it comes to the family or friends such happenings often hurt and linger so as to be so hard to get over. At times you do not want to have any interactions with family or friends as to do so can cause you to feel lost. You so need their support and understanding and the lack of it makes the situation more intolerable. At a time when stability is needed and you are withdraw as a result from family and friends. Being lost in the fog and in your own life and now so alone. Of course you are not alone, they are still there and wanting so much to be there for you.

It has to be their love for you that enables them to continue to be there the hope is that love is strong enough to endure that period. I now know that love was that strong within them and I feel so fortunate that they were able to stick by me during it. Coming out of the worst I can only hope that everyone can put it in the past to the point it is not an everyday thought. Everyday that has past it is becoming less an everyday thing in my own mind but like a scar on your face. The passing of something that acts like a mirror reminds me and once again I have to work through the pains. By now though I have had enough practice that the work is no longer such a blind endeavor. I only go through the steps I have taken before and less so blindly as the first time.


From what I am writing. New!


Ah that memory! tricky deceiver it can be! I could remember some things I needed to do.
Or so it would feel like, but then it became the question is it something that I had already done?
Or IS IT SOMEPLACE I NEED TO GO? I was finding that I spent quite a bit of time thinking about the two. If I lacked a note, or someone was not right there to tell me. I could spent far too much time thinking about something I just knew I needed to do or get prepared to do! So much so that it would cause me to not do anything else. I wanted to do something else, or think of something else I thought I needed to do. But would not since to take the time would mean I was not prepare to do something I would need to do. Lacking someone else to tell me, I would try to be ready and to do what ever it was I thought I needed to be doing.

But I could not serve two masters, so often neither one was done correct satisfactionly. If I was not disappointing myself I would be disappointing someone else. Be it Joyce or a therapist, not to mention the other things that happen in a normal day that demand you time and/or attention. In recovery, there are many factors that come into play. It depends on just what the person is trying to recover?
In my case it was being able to remember both the past and the present. Often it did seem that both were so interlinked that one was not truly functioning without the other.


Reality was needing to creep in though, she needed to go back to work and I also was needing to regain my confidence. That would mean I needed to be where I could be left alone. Believe me when I say that could be frightening enough for me! It would be like you have to cross a bridge that had been damaged by an earth quake. Until it was crossed several time, there was no way to know if it was going to stand the traffic. Also there would be no real recovery unless I would be alone for a time.
Again the physical could be handled by aids such as a cane to walk with. But the mental needed confidence in myself where I did not need a guild or a caregiver.

That was proving to be a slower process, one that seemed to want to rush But when it tried. Was just bring to the forefront more and more of the lacking and shortcomings. It could make me so mad at myself and at times my caregiver. About the time I was feeling as if I made progress, I would suffer a downfall. Setting me back and making me to almost start all over again. I could get so angry at the wind during a set back. The hard part could be not letting that anger be at someone or something that did not desire it. If that happens, it could make the caregiver to quit wanting to help.
At such a time when the person needs their help more then the air to breath.



At least I was thinking so, I seem to be getting to the point where I could be trusted to be left without constant supervision. I think the biggest point to show that is when I became separated from the group on an outing. Because of me being blind on the left side, I did not see the group I was with go down a set of stairs. I was looking the other direction, then suddenly finding myself alone on the upper floor! I walked completely around the circular floor and never encountered them! I finally heard my handler calling for me from the floor below. I looked over the railing on the floor I was on and there he was walking calling my name. So I shouted down, “ YOU who!!!! “ and waved at him.

He looked up and shouted “Rick STAY WHERE YOU ARE!” I shouted back, “WHERE WOULD I GO SINCE I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE I AM!”.

It is part of my sense of humor and a statement of how lost I was feeling inside. Still not having a real understanding of the why’s and how’s I came to be in Tulsa or in the recovery unit.

I was not about to run off or mean to get lost in a strange city. I did not even have a real idea how to get back to Nero-Restorative! When I would get to go out I would often either not watch the outside or even if I did. Could not recall much of what I was seeing if it had been some time. That damnable hole in my memory was not allowing much to be retained as it was.

My mind was working so hard at coming back, it was not noticing much more then that!

I was trying to build a memory on nothing, without a foundation to hold to or associate with.

What I was reminding would be so distant that it could not reach that far ahead. Plus it was so busy with trying to remember that it would become lost. So the time had to come when I would stop the trying, I needed a rest. So I got where I was not so focused on recovering my past and more on remembering my present, I had to stop trying to recover the past and think about the present and future.

It was so much easier to let someone else do the thinking for me. At the time it was my handler. When I finally came home it was Joyce, I needed the time to recover myself, I knew I was in there somewhere. I just had to have the time to find myself once again, so I finally just decided to play along and give them the answers they were wanting. I would listen to what they would say and how they would say it. Getting from that what they were wanting me to say or do at the moment. The main focus to me was to get home. I just knew that is where I would get answers and start rebuilding me and the present. But until then, I had to get them to accept what I did and what I was saying. For now they were in control of my life and well-being.

Once I did start to listen to what they were wanting, I soon noticed that I was getting more freedom and less interference from them. It was working and the real me started to gain in control and thoughts. But sadly it would only be for the right now, as time would pass it became no longer a matter in my mind. And I still could not at least recall when things would happen again like I should have been able to. The work had to continue, it had to be a work in progress every minute till I could finally get to go to bed.

Once in bed and allowed to be alone, the mind would strive to recover and finally go to sleep.

Waking refreshed and feeling calm, sadly though it was not long after waking that I would be hit between the eyes. It was always some staff member that would suddenly ask a question and once again I was lost for an answer. Thinking was not so much a problem it was recalling that lead to the problems. I could make notes, but then what was important enough to do that? I just did not know, but it also depended on how soon after the incident that I would be asked. Something’s were sticking in my mind. Perhaps that was a sign of recovery? At the time I just could not tell if I was recovering or not?

From their action it seemed I was, judging from how much freedom I would get or how close my handler was to me. also, I was getting to know them better, like Albert I could talk to him and he was not so forceful as some of the others. A few of the other handlers I came to hate being in their charge. They did not seem to have patients or the ability to talk to me in a way I could understand. They would more order me around, not giving me the space to learn and grow in my recovery, I had not proven to them yet I was not a threat to me or others. All I could do was work with them to at least stay out of their way. Not interact with them more then I had to, I would only ask a question when there no other clues for me to see. I was pretty good when there was a clue to lead me where I should be or the answer I should give. As time would progress, I got better at it or at least maybe it was a sign my mind was working at coming back.

But that was not how it was feeling, to me it was more like I was playing a game with them.

I had to fool them, I had to go along in order to go home where I belonged and where I could get the answers about my life. I was not even sure though that once I did get the answers. That I was going to remember them, it was just seeming so hard to remember things! Such memory was just being so over powered by the gravity of the hole in my memory. It was sucking so many of my thoughts, I had to at least remember the simply things to get along. That were going to be the key to my release, to getting home again. I was not going to get back to being me until I could get home again.

I was not sure what to expect when I did go home, at the very least I had figured out that it may not be the same world I could remember! All I was feeling was that my recovery was not going to happen there! There was so much more involved in it then what they could provide. specially since the very information I needed was being used by them as a marker to judge my recovery. Their questioning every day about what was the current date and day was only being a distraction to me.

In a real sense these are things that changed everyday, I so needed that which I had forgotten and it could not be changed. It was that which was missing and more important to me it was the foundation on which my tomorrows are built.

Our today’s are built on our yesterday’s, it is the way we make sense of the today’s. Without them it is hard if not impossible to understand and relate to our today’s or tomorrow’s. It is like every morning you wake up a totally different person. In their life’s and with their problems and solutions, always such an alien world to you. Imagine if five days a week you were going to a totally different job. With the different responsibility, nothing you could relate to and only the past experiences to judge by. But what happens when you do not remember those past experiences?

At least not the fresh ones that could tell you how you got there and what lead up to being there! I was being so hampered by the lost of memory, for awhile I just was not able to connect the today’s with the yesterday’s. It seemed to be taking so much time before I could! That missing space was if not haunting me was standing in the way. Figuratively speaking, I was running a race and missing half of my foot! I had no time to adjust or figure out how to adjust to the missing appendage!

All I could do was hobble along and try to keep up with the pace. And not doing a very good job of it!

So all I could do was my best, as sad as that might be till I had the ability to affix at least something to that foot to take the missing part’s place. Something to function as that memory, I was just at a loss at the minute to know what that might be? Pushed and pushed to run, not knowing where I was going or where it lead to? I thought I just had to have faith in them, as much as it was feeling that it was not helping. Such a hard thing for me to do! It was like if someone asked you to take their hand. As they were walking toward the edge of the cliff! All you can see is the open air, there is nothing it seems to be in front of you!

I just had to have faith I would in time ether recover or at least adapt to it, learning to live with it. But in Nero Restorative it was not happening, I was not able to think about a different way to adapt! By the time those treatments were over I was just really too tired to think anymore! All I wanted to do was get lost in some TV or talking about other things with the patients I had came to like. ANYTHING EXCEPT FOR THE HOLE! Sometimes I would be so tired that all I was wanting to do was go to sleep. It became not so uncommon for my handler to suddenly notice I was not in the dayroom and come to my door.

Calling my name then come in to check on me, if I seemed OK to them I could just go to sleep. Sleep for me became a real escape, I could settle into my mind and have nothing to distract it from where ever it wanted to be. Home that I could remember, with Joyce or places and people I knew. Somewhere I was comfortable being, my mind could rest there and not be so alarmed. Asleep I could be me again, or at least whom I remembered! Not this person whom could not figure out where his room was at times. Not the prisoner of missing thoughts and knowledge, I could relax and be me!

The outing were helping with that in a sense, even through I found it easy to become lost from the others. We seemed to move so fast, turning a corner without any turn signals would leave me suddenly alone. I was even having trouble telling which way was South, North, East or West. It would happen every time we would be in a building for sometime without windows. Not being able to see the Sun, I would lose my sense of directions. A plague at times that only seemed to make the being lost even more difficult to deal with. That only solution for me was to stand still until someone notice I was no longer with them. Then when I would hear my name being called, to call back to them!

I would guess that to them it showed I was improving, or at least was not being so lost. Who knows? Since I could not always know what I would to be thinking, how could I know what they were thinking? But I did start to notice that I was getting a little more freedom and allowed to go my only way to a certain extent. Not to much though, the job of my keeper was to watch me when we were out.

And it was so easy for me to seem to be able to get lost at a moment’s notice did lead me to try to stay within eye sight of the group. It did make it harder to see what ever we were there to see, so sometimes I got where I just wanted to stay in the unit. At least in the unit there was little chance of me getting lost and confused. Or even if I did at least it would mean that I would not be somewhere I could not be found easily.

The unit would become boring to me, I so wanted to get out and see things and experience things. So I was willing to brave those thoughts and go out as often as I could. Being solely in my mind was not going to do me any good. Since my mind was being trapped in such a dated time frame, that was not going to help me get my life back. I just seemed to know that, no one had to tell me it was needed for my recovery. Besides, it did seem that they were going to interesting places that I wanted to go to. Such fresh and different places and things, even if it was to go to some Mall I just could not take the risk of not going. For some time there I did not even know if I had any money I could spend, but still it was new places and experiences!

It also seemed to help me get myself back, for every time I did come back feeling improved.

I was starting to remember more of the current and that started leading me to start to remember a little more of my past. My brain was working, though most of the time slower than I wanted it to,

At least it was working in such a fashion I was wanting it to, or so I was feeling it should at times.

It was when I was awake that my mind would seem so troubled, asleep I was feeling normal and quite happy. It was not being troubled by arrant thoughts or misguided one either. But about the time I would be feeling in control, I would be awaken. Suddenly and rocked back to the here and now.

As shocking as that always seem to be for me, then I had to once again rectify just where I was.

It really was like I had to repeat the same morning over and over again.

But in a sense that become the normal for me, I got where I could recover much faster.

It did seem it was taking less time to get my mind to once again accept and understand where I was. But it was still being troubled by the most burning question…Why am I here? This was not normal and I so needed it to be normal in order to regain the lost parts of my memories. I NEEDED TO GO HOME TO Joyce!!!


being lost and confused was not helping me any in order to get home so that had to stop! Something had to be developed in my mind. I had little need for note taking since my days as a Law enforcement officer. But that is what I had to start doing in order to get home, so I started making sure I had a writing instrument and a note book with me where ever I would go. Taking notes and remembering to read them often. Even if it was not something I was needing to remember at the time.

I soon was actually told to start doing it, then surprised them when I put out the notebook and ever-sharp!

The most difficult thing about that was having to carry something in my hand. I often needed to have both hands free. I just did not have anything that I could use to carry the notebook, since my balance was so off. The only solution I could come up with was to carry my notebook inside my shirt.

So there I was walking with a square bulge in my shirt, as if I was not already looking kind of odd while walking. Again I guess it was showing them I was improving since they actually told me it was a good idea. That made me very happy, I knew I needed to show improvement in some fashion. Even if it was so small that normally it would be overlooked. But this was a test of me, a test of everything I was or in this case could be,

In many ways I was such a blank slat, my head often felt so empty of thought. I could generally tell when I had to go to the bathroom. And how to use a spoon or fork to eat, but much more thoughts then that I could easily become so lost! The inputs I was receiving were coming so fast and hard. I just could not seem to slow them down enough to think about them. And about the time I did, it would suddenly change to something I could not relate to. Or if I could relate them to something I managed to be able to remember. It would change suddenly right before my eyes to something I could not.

The World just seem to spin too fast for me, People spoke to rapidly for me to be able to truly understand. Often speaking of something I could not see or could not relate to? The knowledge I could summon often was too outdated to apply, I was not speaking up for myself yet, never sure what to say and afraid to say anything. It always hurt more to be told I was wrong, at this point I was more wrong then right! The damn hole in my memory was gaping and seem to suck almost everything in to it. Before I had a chance to understand things, or relate them to something I could understand.

I looked forward to going to sleep, for some reason it was when I would be asleep that I felt normal some how? Or at least the world seemed more normal in my dreams then when I was awake.

Awake I was in madness, awake I was surrounded by unfamiliar things and people. My mind was not normal when awake. It did not function as it use to, clogged with arrant thought and imputes it could not handle them as fast as they seem to come. I either had to adjust or give up totally, it seemed to me to be easier to give up. But deep inside, I just could not let myself do that! I little voice that I could not hear all the words was telling I just could not give up!

Soon I started to note little changes, at first they seem to be in the staff and Doctors I dealt with. Not in such words, but more in noticeable freedoms and allowances to me. Not so quick to ask where I was going or doing? Consciously, I did not always know what was changing. But soon I was noticing more obvious changes in how I was treated. I liked it, though I could not always truly understand why. Or what those changes were meaning for me, I just knew I was liking them for me! I was starting to notice things, what would change and how it would change. It was still awhile before I was understanding how to read them. Some so slight they would be hardly noticeable, but once I did start to really pay attention. They were there and I could tell it was at least getting better.


On a certain wall would be posted the week’s schedule for every patient , by name and room number. The week came when because of practice, I would not just check this weeks and write it down. But if there the following week was posted that too, to my surprise many of the other patients had a following week’s schedule but I did not! “Could it mean? maybe just maybe? .. I was going home the following week! I had made too much progress I thought to be sent somewhere else, I was working far to hard for me to be sent somewhere else. So it had to mean I was going home, at least that is what I was thinking or hoping.

It just had to mean that! I could not let myself think about it meaning anything but that!

Being that I was so lacking of the answers I was needing, home I figured I could get those answers.

It is where my life is, it is where my soul lived on this earth so home it just had to mean for me.

Marking off the days became so much more important to me, As the week progressed, the excitement was almost too much to contain! I did not want to get my hopes too high, in case that was not what that meant. But I wanted it so much, I needed it so much. Longer might have meant there was no recovery. It was almost like missing a leg, I was so stumbling and falling that I never seemed to get balanced!

At least that was the way it was mentally, though physically I was also having some problems.

I had went from having to be pushed in a wheelchair to having someone holding to my arm at my side. to finally using something like a cane to balance on. It was so odd to me that my legs seemed to work fine. Yet I was having so much trouble just standing or walking in a straight line! I knew I was not just needing Joyce to help me mentally but to lean on physically too! The hole so felt all consuming. A large and gaping hole that would consume my every thought and actions,

I had no idea what to expect when I did get home, at that point I did not actually remember the house we were now living in. I just knew I had to get back to it in order to regain both my sanity and my memories. It was too much like a guessing game for me to try and remember the more recent parts of my life. Though educated guesses, still the margin of error was too high to feel comfortable with. And it was not like they were going to fill in the blanks, since they used those answers to judge my progress. No it was only going to be when I got home, back to my life and things in it. That I would I have what I needed to recover the memories and my life.

So the fight continued, the struggle was on to not just regain. But to remember the current as what they were wanting from me. Having someone to talk to and whom in a real sense understood what I was experiencing helped. Will and Diana having both having unexpected heart attacks and Diana also suffering from memory lost. They became my allies in the struggle, someone I could talk to that was not judging or evaluating my every thought or impressions. Sometimes I so needed that, just to be able to speak out loud and not have to go in to a greater detail. They did not know my history so they could not actually make me feel worse by correcting it. But could understand what I was talking about when I talk about the feelings of having come to be there.

I will have to admit it, but once I discovered these friends and allies that the place did not seem bad to me. It could actually be kind of fun to be there, I was finding my place there. The person I generally am would come out. Also since I was having an idea what others were going through. I was becoming someone who could understand and also not judge or try to dismiss what they would say. At times I would assume the role of the protector. sometimes explain to the staff what they were going through and how it makes one feel. That helped me too, since I was having many of the same problems. I could explain them in a personal reference to my overseer and the councilor. Becoming more verbal and speaking thoughts. I soon was moving on past the hole and into what would have to be the future for me.

That future had to come later, for now it had to be the present and what it was holding. Understanding the present, accepting would be the course of the day no matter what day it would be!

Not that it was easy for me, the present was so strange and out of place to me. At times I just could not relate to it. Starting to take notes was helping, I then had reference to go to and explain the happening. The passage of time was a real problem for me as days would often melt into each other.

I had to depend on an outside source to tell me what day of the week it was. Often it would have to be the board on the wall or even the one in the day room. Both were being updated often, my handlers were pretty good at that.

But once I did notice the lacking of a next week schedule for me the week I was in seem to drag. And I dire not say anything! I did not want to endanger being released by making it plain I knew when or so I was thinking. The last week I did my best to always be where I was suppose to be and doing what I had to do. Checking for changes in the agenda often so it would not appear I was missing anything I was to keep track of. But on the morning of the release date, I had packed up all my stuff and was ready! I am thinking that was the first real hint they had I was aware that would be the date!

So when I saw Joyce come through the door I rushed to my room and was already carrying some of it out. I will admit though, I did have some fright as to what would happen next. I could never be sure of my thinking or thoughts. Besides, there was always the possibility that I might simply be going to somewhere else and not home.






































It did in deed mean what I was praying for, I did go home with Joyce! They loaded me in a wheel chair. And my things on a cart and both were taken on the elevator to the ground floor. Joyce pulled the car up the ramp and everything was loaded into the car. So there I was, heading off to my life again. But still not truly knowing just which life that was? The one I could remember or some life I had forgotten? I got filled in on the way home to some things I would ask about. But I would be totally surprised when we did get home and pulled into the drive.

I was having no memory of this house? It was not ether one I could remember! If I had been simply dropped off at the city limits. I would not have had a clue of how to get to my own house! Since it was a part of what I was missing, it might have meant that only if I happen to pass it would I suddenly go “Ah there it is!”. Oddly once we did get home it did feel so familiar to me, though when I had the first chance to explore on my own. I did go through the entire house, from the first floor to the other end of the basement. That really was all it took. just once I saw it I did remember it!

Funny how that worked, I found many things I had forgotten was that way for me. All it would take would be for me to see them again. Then it was like I had seen them for years, I had to just set back when we would go somewhere and look out the window. But some places had to wait till I could drive myself. IT would not have made sense or it would have maybe alarmed Joyce for me to ask to be driven by either house we had lived in before. Since I could remember them and where they were. They were sights and information I was not needing to regain. And that list of what I did need to remember was long enough.

Fortunately not all that much had changed in Augusta, so I could feel comfortable there. I did not have to be told much about it or where we would go. Only the very new places might it have to be explained to me. And the changes in the places I could remember happened years later. Well after I got back home and had been able to drive myself again. (I still on occasions like to just drive around looking at the older places). I was not going out of town by myself, I nether felt comfortable or wanting to be all that by myself. Besides, spending time with Joyce I enjoyed, I had so many years to be caught up on. So talking and asking questions helped and she could see what I seem to have forgotten. Then fill it in, so I could know and understand the depths of my memory lost. I truly did not understand how deep it was since I had no reference point to compare what I could remember with what I was missing.

It did amaze me how quickly I was picking things up, often just a reminder of something I had forgot. It seemed that it was still there, just not for me to access unhesitatingly. It could be maddening to me since it was important to my life. To being with Joyce and a part of the daily activities of life. Plus to be somewhere else would have meant that I would have missed out on so much. Though that can mean it would be overwhelming, often leading to more confusion and worry.

It was still better for me to know and be aware of what was changing and how it was effecting things.

I was being very protected, a life that may sound to be quite good on the face of it. But that is not much of a life in the end game.

So there I was, struggling to adapt and understand while still dealing with my menial handicap. For the first few months, I was well protected and taken care of almost liken to a toddler. Allowed to walk on my own, but being watched so I did not get into harm or go too far from sight.

There was some treatment after getting home, medical did not take all that much concern but the memory and mental did. The struggle to regain short term memory was proving to be much harder then I would have thought. It was proving to be near impossible for my mind to do on it’s own.

The physical was easier, it was to work muscles and retrain muscle memory in the mind. Since physically there was nothing wrong with my legs or other parts of the body.



. Everyday some child dies or someone suffers, many not truly desiring in our minds of such. There maybe something to what happens, a reason we can not see. That is why it is called “Life” the sum answer to such questions.

“Never look a gift horse in the mouth!”, or so the saying goes. That is the answer in order to get on with other things. Life never quite standing still, you have to think about other things in every new day.

The best you should do it simply expand on what has happen and use it to better yourself or the life of others. Now how do you do that? Well I guess you figure that out on your own, perhaps listening to others. Everyone has an opinion of the best way to use your life. It maybe to their advantages. Or that of an observer, but still their often are willing to tell you what you should do!

But in the end it should be you whom decides how to use your life. Just making it the best you can without harm or affecting on others. It is not about how much money you may have at any given moment. It is your gift and ability that is available to you that matters.



A little update on me, I have discovered that I tend to suffer from ” input over load” That is that the more active I am the more it effects my mental processes. Yeah it is a curse since I now want to go places and experience more. It can cause me to check both my Blood pressure and my blood sugars more often. I am forgetting more when this happens. I remember what I have done in the day. But other then that when I trying to remember more then what may be right in front of me or recent. It is at best harder. So should I quit going places or experiencing life? NOT LIKELY! I am not dead or do I really want to be. Anyway, if you are asking me something later in the day and I seem to have trouble. Do not be alarmed. I am just having to recall in a slower fashion and involving more thought then you might have to be.